i'm not fine
by miss.mousey.smith
Summary: jess has had it up to here with becker being an emotional retard. How they got together. bit of abby&connor on the side as well xxx
1. Jess

hi this is my first fanfic so, hear goes deep breath before the plunge.

hope you like it and enjoy

DISCLAIMER: I do not own primeval or the character. Everything is itv (or watch's I don't know who officially owns it but its all yours except my story)

If I did own it the new series would already be on telly with a hell lot more Jecker moments :)

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Jess POV

i walk down the very familiar corridor that leads to the menagerie to fine Abby. I'd been going there a lot recently, ever since the whole bug thing, it freaked me out. It was the first time I'd actually felt like i could die doing this. It's not like I haven't been through a near death experience before but last time I was more worried about Becker than anything else. Suddenly my brain flashes back to a certain hug with a certain person...

I wonder into a bit of a day dream for a moment about what might of happened if Beckers men hadn't walked in when they did.

No, nothing would have happened jess, Becker would have let go when he did. he might have held on for a second or so longer, if I was very lucky and then he would have let go and that would have been that. The end.

But I didn't want it to be the end, I wanted to hug Becker, maybe even kiss him.

No.

I will not let my imagination go that far, because it hurts. Not in the wild and wonderful fantasy, no but when I had to come back. Drag myself back to reality. The reality where the most me and Becker were going to be was friends, if I'm lucky.

I try to convince myself that we couldn't be together because of the circumstances. But the truth is he just doesn't care about me . He cares about me in the same way he cares about everyone in the ARC, his protectiveness and loyalty to everyone at the ARC. No matter what. No matter if it hurts him. No matter if it nearly kills him.

That one of the things I love about him, one of the many things I love about Becker.

Why? Why? Why was I thinking about Becker? Everything I say or do reminds me of Becker? And what anybody else says for that matter. What is wrong with me? I can't even walk down a stupid corridor without thinking about Becker. Get a grip, as I had been telling myself a 100 times a day, no wonder Becker doesn't like me because I'm just a pathetic, clingy and hopeless. And he only puts up with me because I'm his co-worker. My metal rant at my self took me all the way to the menagerie. I really needed to see Abby, I was dangerously close to having a melt down in the middle of the corridor, and all I need is for Becker to have another reason to think I'm a weakling. I spirited the last yard into the menagerie.

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Please review and tell me what you think and i'll have next chapter up ASP xxx M.M.S


	2. Abby

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the story.

enjoy

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Abby POV

I watched jess almost fall through the door, looking more than a little flushed. I wasn't surprised, she'd been coming here most lunches Lester didn't give her paper work. She'd help me with the animals and we'd eat and talk about cloths, shoes and TV. She's still the same old jess but sometimes I'd fine her staring into space just looking sad. I knew why, pretty much everyone in the ARC knew. No one ever said anything about it though, other than Connor's occasional teasing of Becker.

Sometimes I really want to punch him, really hard and scream at him to look at Jess, really look at her, and then say that she doesn't't care about him!

Because I know that's what she says it just gossip, just ARC staff whispering when they've got nothing better to do. Then he just gives you that look, that look that's says this conversation is over and walks away. I didn't mind it at first, I even through it was funny the way he point blank refuses to admit his feelings for even through its so obvious. I through he was just getting embarrassed by people talking about his feelings. But know I know it was hurting Jess. Each blasé comment cutting deeper into her, hurting her more than the last. His attitude of being almost obsessively caring about her one minute and then not saying 3 words to her for days, other than on comm's. But that's the problem, that's what makes Becker the worst person Jess could have fallen for. He doesn't like being cared about.

Poor Jess.

That's it, I'm just going to ask her about it. I've been wanting to for weeks but I've just never found the right moment. I live with her but I just didn't't know how to ask.

I'm just going to come out with it. It was the best way I could think of.

We'd just finished eating and we were talking about one of Jess's favourite topic's. Shoes. I thought it time to just bite the bullet and do it.

"Jess" I said coarsely "are you ok?"

"yeah ,why wouldn't I be" she said far to quickly.

"You know who I'm asking about Jess." I said softly.

"A certain captain" she said with a laugh that was less than half hearted but still managed to keep a bitter edge. Jess pause for a minute her gaze firmly on her hands. The minute dragged and felt like so much longer. "I don't know, I, I just never know what's happening with him. One minute he'll just completely blank me, to busy being 'captain Becker' the next he'll be all charming and bring me chocolate. Sometimes, sometimes he'll just come up to the ADD and have a chat. And sometimes I honestly think he might even be flirting with me."

"Jess…" I cut in, and rested an arm around her shoulder. She sounded like she was on the verge of being hysterical.

"But I know that it was just me trying to over analyses everything. Me trying to see what I want to see. But I can't kid myself forever I know that. And I'm fine. Really. I'm getting over it." she took a hungered breath "after the beetles thing I heard ever detain off Emily, and I know that he was really caring. And I'm certain that if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here." she gestured to the room absentmindedly." do you know what's pathetic though, I spent 8 hours pacing up and down the flat that night, wondering what that meant, what meant to him. Over analysing everything" she screwed her eye shut, and I swear I saw a tear escape her. But maybe it was just the light. But then her eye open and she looked me straight in the eye "but was what he did for me any more than what he would have done for any of us. Look I know it doesn't't seam like much but I'm just going to concentrate on making sure he's ok , and being there if he needs me."

Her voice broke in several places but he eye that held my gaze for a moment held such honesty, such raw emotions, I had to look away.

Oh jess. Poor lovely jess. "jess" I said my voice sounding horse.

"don't worry, I can handle this on my own" were her parting words punctuated with a breathy sigh that she tried to make into some sort of laugh.

I am going to slap Becker, really hard.

I know he loves jess, I've know him for 3 years now and I have never seen him half as worried as he had been when she had that allergic reaction. He wasn't just worried though. He was scared. Fearless captain Becker was scared. Scared of losing her. And if he didn't't pull his act together soon he will end up losing her. Why do hey have to have to be the blindest emotional retards ever?

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hope you liked it, please review they mean the world to me.

next chapter will be up ASP

(next chapter Beckers POV)


	3. Becker

usual disclaimer, don't own anything, wish i did.

sorry about wait. My computers hasn't been play bal resently. sorry, but i've made this chapter the longest one yet. hope you like. xxxx

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Becker POV

I walked down the corridor to the armoury, there was an EMD that needed fixing. I don't know how they do it. I've never broken I weapon in my life (unless you count that one that got eaten but that wasn't my fault, it was Conner's) But my men were breaking one a mission and quiet often more. I wouldn't mind as much if they fixed them afterwards but they don't, they can't. As skilled as they may be at shooting, not one of them knows the first thing about fixing a gun. Even Matt had to ask for my help when his EMD was broken. Between you and me through I quite like it, people having to ask for my help. And it helped me get one up on Matt. I was soon distracted by the clipping of heels.

Jess's heels.

My gut flipped. I was used to this sensation, it occurred ever time Jess's name was even mentioned. But this time it court me off guard. It took all myself control to keep my exasperation neutral. I am a solider should not be having this problem. But a small voice inside my head keeps saying "but you don't want that feeling to go away do you hill." I shunned the voice away but the truth was my life would be hollow without it, and the feeling gave me a rush that I could only previously get from fighting dinosaurs. As I listened to the heels I realised that Jess was walking a lot faster than usual, I quicken my paste. Was she ok? It was probably just Lester telling her she needs to do some paper work by the end of the day. But what if it wasn't? I took a calming breath ,it didn't help. I could just see her in the distance. I fixed my eyes on the folder in my hands, desperately trying not to look at her. I knew after the day I've had, one look at her eyes and what little resolve I have would crumble to dust in seconds.

Just look at the file, keep looking at the file, the file Becker.

The foots steps were getting louder ,just like my heart beat.

The file, just keep looking at the god damn file!

I didn't look up until she walked straight into me. She stumbled, I disregarded the folder without a second thought. I reached out and put my arms around her waste to stop her from falling. But that doesn't explain why I kept them there, but I didn't really care enough to ask myself. I was to busy trying not to think about how right to felt, her being in my arms.

"Are you ok?" The words stumbled out of my mouth. I tried to keep my voice even despite how she was affecting me. I failed. "I'm fine. Thank you" she was still looking at the floor and her voice was a lot more subdued than usual. Not a good sign. "Jess, look at me." I needed to see Jess's face, those beautiful blue eyes, I needed reassurance that she was ok. She slowly raised her eyes to meet mine.

I think my heart broke.

Her eyes were blood shot, on her cheeks and fresh ones were on there way. "Jess, tell me wants wrong? Please?" I all but begged. I slid my hands from her hips to her hands, enjoying the sensation to much for my own good, or Her's. I know that but a that moment all of my reserves were down, Jess was upset. And all that mattered was making her feel better ."I'm fine Becker." She said her gaze returning to the floor. I Looked at my hands, her beautiful delicate fingers in mine.

Then the emotional retard inside of me had to ruin the moment, I dropped my hands. "I need to get back to the ADD" she said in a rush and ran passed me. Not really registering that the ADD was in the other direction. I wasn't registering anything at that particular moment. I just stood there, stunned. Trying to regain anything that even resembled logical thought.

I wanted to run after her, hold her, tell her everything was going to be alright. I needed to know she was going to be alright again. But my legs just wouldn't work.

"CAPTAIN BECKER!"

I heard a screech for behind me that snatched me brutally from my daze. I turned sharply towards the noise. Abby was storming towards me. And right then I understood completely the phrase face like thunder.

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next up the show down between Abby and Becker. i won't take as long to up date this time i promise.

mousey

xxxxxxx


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